Its been fun...

I came to the realization in the last couple days...I'm not cut out to play poker. Not that I don't think I'm a winning player, I'm up money in my short time playing poker. Not that I don't have the desire to get better, I do everything I can to improve my game. I just don't have the mental stability to do it.

I tilt like mad.

I am able to refocus myself most of the time when I'm playing poker and still play my best poker. Sometimes I'm still playing great poker all the way through the session when I've been frustrated. Then at the end of the session. When I'm sitting down 4 buy-ins and I've finally convinced myself to quit...I can't sleep. I lie in bed thinking about hands and trying to figure out what went wrong and what I could have done better.

IT'S 3 IN THE FUCKING MORNING...and I can't stop thinking about what went wrong in a $15 SNG. I'm losing sleep over $15. That's fucking insane.

I just can't do that anymore. My life is just totally off balance with the amount of poker I've been playing. I can't have that. It's not healthy and it's not the way I should be living my life. I finally found out that it doesn't matter if you're winning or losing...you just need to have a positive outlook on what you're doing. Somewhere along the way I lost that. Poker isn't about winning or losing, it's about making the right decisions over time and eventually if you're making the right decisions you'll make money. I'm totally and utterly unable to function with that kind of mindset. I'm trapped in win/lose mode. Thinking in terms of winning and losing is a surefire way to go on and tilt and inevitably lose money. I love playing poker more than just about anything else I do (this is a disturbingly true statement), but lately it does nothing but make me angry. Winning never makes me as happy as losing makes me unhappy. I know that's normal but why am I subjecting myself to that night after night? I don't know how some of you are able to play as much as you do without losing your minds. I'm both impressed and jealous.

As for me...I'm 19 and poker is ultimately a game.

I cashed about $1000 off of Bodog because that was all that was left after being up to $1400 after winning that MTT. I hadn't logged a winning session at Bodog since that tourney win. Was I running bad? Sure. Was I playing my best? Not 100% of the time. I deposited $200 on May 2, I ran that up to $1k before it got to my mind (disturbing that it only took about a month and a half).

I'm bummed that this isn't going any further. I actually like blogging and I only just began here, but it seems stupid to have a poker blog when you aren't playing poker.

I stil have $5.60 on Full Tilt and I guess I'll play one DS 90 man SNG over there to see if I'll have any poker money. Though I ran soooooooo bad on Full Tilt the last 2 nights I don't even want to talk about it. So I'll be fine if that money disappears (although obv I'm going to try in the SNG).

I'll still be around and reading everyone else that I enjoy here online. I wish you all the best of luck

Back into a groove...

So the first thing that I did tonight when I got home was sign up for Cardrunners and I watched ActionJeff's SNG video. It was pretty good. It showed some things that I've been doing wrong and a few things I was doing correctly. It helped to hear him talk about certain things I was unsure about in my game. I'll be watching more videos over the next little while because I'm still not comfortable with my cash game right now.

I also finally invested in PokerTracker which is something that was long overdue, but since getting HHs from Bodog is such a pain in the ass I had resisted it. Now that I'm playing more on Full Tilt though it just seemed like the right thing to do. I then proceeded to donk off 2 buy-ins during my cash game play =(

I'm working on it though.

My SNG game seems to be firing on all cylinders and that's really good after that prolonged bad stretch on Bodog (which I have been playing very little on). I'm probably going to cash some money out of Bodog as soon as I have a workable roll on Full Tilt. I'll really just be leaving money on there for their MTTs because they have a great structure that I've been able to have success in, but the software really gets to me. It's just so easy for me to 4 table over at Full Tilt that I feel like I'm going back in time when I play on Bodog.

Rolls:

Bodog - $1,134.52
Full Tilt - $143.55

MTTs goot, SNGs not goot

So I've been playing a lot lately and I've been in a general downward spiral because I'm just running awfully with SNGs and I don't really want to bore everyone with all the details. I'm playing a little too aggressively for the stakes I'm at and I'm getting called very lightly. It's something that I need to tone back in my game as it's leading to me taking too many risks on the bubble.

Before I get to my recent MTT success, I'm thanking my buddy Sam (gamge on FT, he's a SNG beast) for sending me $50 on Full Tilt. Of course I did have to ship some shit to England for him to get it, but it's rad to have money there again.

I've cashed in 4 of my last 5 MTTs. My MTT game has come a really long way recently and I'm probably playing those as good as I ever have. I feel like my big stack play (which was a weakness of mine) is the thing that's come the farthest. I've been able to keep myself out of marginal situations and keep myself from hands where I trap myself into calling reraises. I've basically just been able to really take advantage of short stacks playing less than optimally and just using them to chip up while playing small pot poker if I'm in hands with other larger stacks.

I'm just very comfortable with every level of my MTT play right now. I came very close to final tabling the 4.5k the last 2 times I've played it, busting in 12th and 20th. First is about 1.1k and with the way I'm playing right now I feel like I have a very good chance for a big score in this tourney. I run a pretty good ROI in it and I've never done better than 7th. It's probably one of the better nightly tourneys and has anywhere from a $750 to $250 overlay most of the time.

Rolls:

Bodog - $1211.50
Full Tilt - $54.95 (low stakes purgatory)

Leaks that were fixed...

For about the 10th time I've had a bad night that started playing SNGs, then losing a few, then deciding to play PLO, dropping a few buy-ins, then playing HU limit hold em and losing about 25BBs.

Lessons to be [re]learned today:

1) I'm not good at PLO, I haven't had a winning session in probably my last 10 tries. I don't know what I'm missing about that game right now, but 1AM probably isn't the best time to try and figure it out.

2) I run worse than anyone I've ever seen at HU limit...my sample size is small, but over 150 hands tonight I managed to only win 29% of the hands that went to showdown. This guy was just crushing me. I'm not sure if I just suck at this too...I'm a winning full ring limit player, but HU seems to elude me. Again this time of morning probably isn't the best time to try and figure out my game.

3) When I'm leaving somewhere telling myself that I'm not going to play that night...I need to fucking listen to myself because I know when I'm tilt-prone before I start playing, I have trouble stopping once I start though.

Tonight was a pretty sweet $170 loss...only $48 coming from SNGs which is all I should be playing. Chalk up $122 of the night to me not having any discipline with following my own rules.

Thank god I had that big tourney score to make this night hurt a little less.

Roll = $1271.70

2k Guarantee PWNAGE!!!!

I just took down the 2k guarantee for $600 and also my first tourney win ever online...fuck cash games man. It's all about tourneys =)





I know it's hard to see but it says, SilentRebel - Winner...damn straight.

2251 and Done

I'm done playing cash games exclusively. I'm just not playing well. I keep stacking off with hands that I shouldn't because I'm not going to go broke in the hand. I just can't handle myself playing as badly as I am. It upsets me. I'm not even taking any beats most of the time. I'm managing to get my money in bad and not get enough money in good.

So I'm playing and being a calling station at the same time...that's a really good recipe for losing money.

I was only down about 4.5 buy-ins for the 2251 hands I played, I'm just playing too poorly deep stacked right now and I hate to see myself lose money.

I'm back to grinding away at SNGs I guess...I'm playing exclusively 15/1 games and we'll see how I do through 100.

Roll = $772.25

Can you say downswing?

Ok so I'm still not running great...I ran into 5 flopped sets today when I had top pair or better. I ran KK into quad 5s on a 5549 board. Only flopped one set over 500 hands and had it run down by a flush draw. Made 2 bad calls and got bluffed out of big pots twice and that is the recipe for being down another couple of buy-ins.

So much for going to cash games to try and get some luck back on my side. I'm down over 4 buy-ins so far, but at least my roll can handle the swings for right now. Of course I'm still one good session away from being ahead so I'm definitely not ready to despair yet.

Roll = $783.09
$25NL Hands = 1340
Profit = -$106.37
BB/100 = -31.8