I came to the realization in the last couple days...I'm not cut out to play poker. Not that I don't think I'm a winning player, I'm up money in my short time playing poker. Not that I don't have the desire to get better, I do everything I can to improve my game. I just don't have the mental stability to do it.
I tilt like mad.
I am able to refocus myself most of the time when I'm playing poker and still play my best poker. Sometimes I'm still playing great poker all the way through the session when I've been frustrated. Then at the end of the session. When I'm sitting down 4 buy-ins and I've finally convinced myself to quit...I can't sleep. I lie in bed thinking about hands and trying to figure out what went wrong and what I could have done better.
IT'S 3 IN THE FUCKING MORNING...and I can't stop thinking about what went wrong in a $15 SNG. I'm losing sleep over $15. That's fucking insane.
I just can't do that anymore. My life is just totally off balance with the amount of poker I've been playing. I can't have that. It's not healthy and it's not the way I should be living my life. I finally found out that it doesn't matter if you're winning or losing...you just need to have a positive outlook on what you're doing. Somewhere along the way I lost that. Poker isn't about winning or losing, it's about making the right decisions over time and eventually if you're making the right decisions you'll make money. I'm totally and utterly unable to function with that kind of mindset. I'm trapped in win/lose mode. Thinking in terms of winning and losing is a surefire way to go on and tilt and inevitably lose money. I love playing poker more than just about anything else I do (this is a disturbingly true statement), but lately it does nothing but make me angry. Winning never makes me as happy as losing makes me unhappy. I know that's normal but why am I subjecting myself to that night after night? I don't know how some of you are able to play as much as you do without losing your minds. I'm both impressed and jealous.
As for me...I'm 19 and poker is ultimately a game.
I cashed about $1000 off of Bodog because that was all that was left after being up to $1400 after winning that MTT. I hadn't logged a winning session at Bodog since that tourney win. Was I running bad? Sure. Was I playing my best? Not 100% of the time. I deposited $200 on May 2, I ran that up to $1k before it got to my mind (disturbing that it only took about a month and a half).
I'm bummed that this isn't going any further. I actually like blogging and I only just began here, but it seems stupid to have a poker blog when you aren't playing poker.
I stil have $5.60 on Full Tilt and I guess I'll play one DS 90 man SNG over there to see if I'll have any poker money. Though I ran soooooooo bad on Full Tilt the last 2 nights I don't even want to talk about it. So I'll be fine if that money disappears (although obv I'm going to try in the SNG).
I'll still be around and reading everyone else that I enjoy here online. I wish you all the best of luck
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6 comments:
I don't know if you read my blog or not but I wrote something that you may or may not find interesting based on the comment you just made. The title is "Do you have a solid foundation." Read it if you're interested.
I'm sure after a while, you might come back from your break. Either way, enjoy your college years. Like you said, poker is just a game. And poker will still be there if and when you decide to come back.
Ryan,
You are 19. Enjoy college, enjoy life.
You are correct that key is making good decisions, it's just sometimes good decisions do not equal good results.
We will welcome you back to tables if/when you return
about a 2yrs into poker i used to do the same thing. i'd take a bunch of stoopid beats and lie awake in bed thinking what i coulda done differently. after all, it must be my fault.
you can second guess how you play a hand all night it won't change the results. just try not to make the same mistakes over and over and if you are making good decisions at the table, that's all u can do.
i've been running bad for 2 months and i still sleep like a baby every night.
Dude, I don't keep hand histories often...but from time to time I do.
I mostly remember hands just by memory. I can tell you hands to this day that got me upset back when I was playing free chips.
Yeah, I got upset over free chips.
But we poker players are competitors and it sucks losing...anything.
Keep with the blog man, even though you'll be taking a poker break. Not everyone with a poker blog posts about poker.
I enjoy reading you...for 19, you're an excellent writer and a great read.
Best of luck in your endeavors.
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